Happy Holidays

So I'm taking this holiday week off from the gossip world, but I will not leave you unentertained. Check out the hilarious Canadian comedian Jon Lajoie and his MMMapproved music videos. If you can't get enough of the guy, go to his website: http://www.jonlajoie.com/ for more. But enough about this... back to the eggnog...

cheers
Magic Madison :)

Chimp gets cheeky with Ricci

Christina Ricci’s costar was (literally) monkeying around on the set of the upcoming flick Speed Racer when he got to second base with the actress. Ricci stars alongside Willie the Chimp (previously seen in Walk Hard) in the real life movie version of the Japanese animation series. But there was a primate, I mean primary, problem: she’s afraid of apes. "I'm afraid of monkeys," Ricci told Parade magazine. "But then I thought, 'You're being silly. No one else has a problem.' So they started filming, and Willie suddenly freaked out and grabbed my left breast and would not let go! I thought, 'If this keeps up, I will no longer have a boob.' But the other actors in the scene weren't looking at me, so they didn't notice. I was going, 'Help! Help!' as quietly as possible so Willie didn't freak out any further. And, finally, they got him off me." Good for Ricci, and good for her boob.

Does Will Smith really think jokes make women jump in bed?

Some say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, well, when it comes to the way to a woman’s heart, Will Smith seems to think he’s found the right path: he makes ‘em laugh. "No one believes me, but comedy is better than muscles, money or looks. If you can make a girl laugh out loud, you're in there,” Smith told Zoo magazine, the UK’s Daily Mail reported. "It's almost like the pressure of the laugh makes her panties fall off." Well, I’ve heard of panty-dropper-punch, but a panty-dropper-punchline?

Vince Vaughn’s whacked out pick-up lines

Vince Vaughn’s Wedding Crashers’ character laid on some thick pick-up lies to bag chicks, so what’s the offscreen guy done to score? “I don’t bullshit that much. But my friend and I would give each other lines that we had to say to girls. Like odd things,” he told the UK’s Sun. “At some point we would be talking to a girl and I would say, 'I apologize if I am squinting, but I was up all night painting miniature elves.' Then we’d see if they got freaked out by it.” Ummmm, okay…. “Or, I’d say to a girl, 'Sometimes when I am out like this, and there are a lot of people around, I feel kind of nervous. So I picture myself swimming with dolphins and I really feel a lot calmer.' We say it just to see if we can have the girl go, 'What the fuck are you talking about?' We get bored easily sometimes.” No kidding.

Is Fergie fer real?

Fergie musta flown to some Fergalicious parallel planet to find a way to compare her scantily-clad-formerly-meth-addicted-pant-wetting self to Princess Diana. "People put celebrities on a pedestal and act like they're perfect,” the Black Eyed Pea was quoted by the UK’s Sun as saying. "But I'm more like the people's artist - the same way Diana was 'the people's princess.' I'm a little more human than other artists. I'm not afraid to show my flaws." Yeah, ok, show your flaws, but compare yourself to Princess Diana? Are you back on drugs?

Lily Allen's musings on role models

So, apparently Lily Allen thinks that parental units make better role models than screwed up celebrities. “I don’t understand putting famous people on a pedestal and making them into role models,” she told Harper’s Bazaar magazine, the New York Daily News’ Rush & Molloy reported. “Your mum is meant to be your role model, not famous people… They’re all on drugs and drinking a lot… completely the wrong people to look up to.” Ok, I hear ya, but what about when screwed up celebs are moms, ie Britney Spears, and, oh yeah, soon to be YOU!?

Come on Katherine!

She’s won an Emmy, she is up for her second Golden Globe, she starred in one of ‘07’s funniest films, she’s freakin’ gorgeous and yet Katherine Heigl still managed to find something about herself to criticize. "I've had crooked teeth my whole life pretty much and I only started caring about it when I was gonna get married,” the Grey’s Anatomy star was quoted by BreakingNews.ie as saying. “I want my teeth straight for my wedding photos.” What the hell is she talking about?! I didn’t notice her teeth. Did you notice her teeth?

‘Tis the season to get knocked up!

First was the jaw-dropping shocking news that Jessica Alba was preggers (she didn’t even give the tabloids time to report on rumours, nor print the possible baby bump pic, or even spotting her at some chic LA baby boutique… She jumped all the preliminary steps and went right out and announced it. How selfish!). Brit pop tiny tart Lily Allen is apparently also expecting with her boyfriend of three months, Chemical Brother Ed Simons who’s 14 years her senior. A rep for the Smile singer said in a statement that “the pregnancy is at a very, very early stage, [so] the couple ask that you respect their privacy," People magazine reported. "The couple will be making no further comment but they are obviously both thrilled by the news." Now it’s teen time! Britney Spears’s 16-year-old little sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, has announced she’s got a bun in her oven. "I can't say it was something I was planning to do right now," Spears told OK! magazine. "But now that it's in my lap and that it's something I have to deal with, I'm looking forward to being the best mom I can be." With her sister’s track record, I can’t imagine it would be that hard to be better. And on a related and not so surprising note, Mommy Spears (aka Lynne Spears) has had her parenting book, which was scheduled to come out on Mother’s Day, delayed indefinitely. What a shock!

Amy arrested!

Amy Winehouse has been arrested! The Rehab singer was reportedly hauled in in connection to the criminal case concerning her hubby, Blake Fielder-Civil. A police source told People magazine that, "a 24-year-old woman has been arrested by appointment at an East London police station… She is currently in custody. The arrest was in connection with an investigation into perverting the course of justice." However, before anyone gets all dramatic, hold your horses, cause her rep told the mag “[Amy] did go in voluntarily to be interviewed and was placed under arrest, as is common practice in the UK, before being questioned." Whew, when I heard arrested I thought she was following more closely in the footsteps of her skuzzy new pal Pete Doherty (something tells me this is a friendship made in druggy hell).

Hilton harasses Smurfs

What is up with Paris Hilton and small fictional characters? We just heard about her running to the rescue of an Oompa Loompa and now she’s supposedly smitten with Smurfs. The celebutard was at a Berlin Christmas Market when she spotted two Smurfs (and when I say Smurfs, I don’t mean she was on something and saw cartoon characters, I mean she saw two men with blue body paint who were dressed up to look like Smurfs as part of a promo). “I don’t know if Paris had been on the mulled wine, but when she saw the chaps on the sweet stall, she squealed,” a source told the UK’s Daily Star. “We heard her saying: ‘Oh my, real live Smurfs. I always wanted one when I was a kid’ before turning to her pal and asking: ‘Can I take them home?’ Then she added: ‘I didn’t realize that this is where they came from.’ She then started talking about adding them to her collection and bent down to talk to them in a babyish voice. I really don’t think she was trying to cause offence. But the actors were really narked off about it all.” No shit Sherlock, the thought of being adopted by that trashy bimbo sounds awful! “One of them just flipped and starting shouting at Paris,” the source added. “He obviously spoke fluent English and told her in no uncertain terms that he was a grown man and that she was being very patronizing. It was a bit chilly and they were frazzled after a long day so not prepared to put up with the kooky American; it was quite a scene.” Damn, where’s a TMZ camera when you need one?

Entourage over?

Say it ain’t so! Could my beloved Entourage not be making it back to my television screen next year, or worse yet, potential be over??? According to OK! magazine, the show’s star, Adrian Grenier, said that it’s a possibility. When asked by the rag mag if he could dish any scoop for the next season, Grenier replied: "Honestly, the scariest potential surprise is that there may not be a show next year... If there is not a resolution with the writers' strike soon." NOOOOOO!!!! What’ll I do without my Drama, my Lloyd, my Ari! I hope the studios suck it up and end this strike before it ends my show!

Beckham, is that a soccer ball in your pocket or are you just happy to see me…

Nobody bares it like Beckham! Like an early holiday gift, David Beckham’s down to his briefs for Giorgio Armani’s tantalizing new underwear ad campaign (and you couldn’t find a better specimen to model them!). Armani apparently designed the drawers with David in mind. “I design with the body of a classical athlete in my head,” the fashion designer told the UK’s Times. “David recalls the classical ideal – he brings to mind the beautiful Michelangelo statue in Florence... For me, David represents a notion of modern masculinity: strong, fit, healthy, but also sensitive and considerate.” And how does David feel about his nearly naked body being splashed on billboards and buses around the world? “I’ve not done many pictures that reveal quite so much,” he said. “But I think the pictures will speak for themselves.” Speak? Honey, they shout! In fact, the big bulge he packs has been under attack by haters questioning the PhotoShopping of the pic. Who better than his wife and mother of his children, Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham, to set the record straight? "I'm proud I still have a really good sex life with David. He is very much in proportion,” she was quoted as saying by Bang. “He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his. It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!"

Blame the blonde

Just like pirates didn’t like women on boats, it seems women are equally unlucky in the stands watching their boyfriend’s sports games. Jessica Simpson’s been under attack from Dallas Cowboy fans after she watched in the stands as her flavour de jour, quarterback Tony Romo, lost his game. "Is Jessica Simpson the football version of Memo Paris, the blonde bombshell who was kryptonite to Roy Hobbs' Wonderboy in The Natural?," Cowboy fan site ,The 'Boys Blog, pondered, People magazine reported. "Everybody's due a bad day at the office, but if Romo plays like this next week, Jessica Simpson will become the most hated celebrity significant other since Yoko Ono." Ouch, better find a disguise if you wanna watch your man in action again, Jessica. Better yet, watch it on TV.

Should it be The Dewey “Cocks” Story?

The première of Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story was quite a show with peeps showing quite a lot. “It’s Christmastime, and it’s my present to America — an enormous amount of naked women and men,” writer/producer Judd Apatow was quoted by the New York Daily News’ Rush & Molloy as saying. “It’s about time we saw some naked men. It shows I’m not sexist.” The movie’s star, John C Reilly, couldn’t agree more: “We’re very proud; there are a lot of cock in this movie.”

Could Kristin Cavallari be heading to The Hills?

Just when things started to look up for Lauren Conrad on The Hills - what with being taken to Paris for work and all – it looks like it might be just a little quiet before a storm that could make Heidi and Spencer look like a little drizzle. LC’s nemesis from her Laguna Beach days, Kristin Cavallari, is rumoured to joining the cast. There’s no way LC’s gonna be happy about Cavallari’s claws being anywhere near Brody Jenner (who dated Cavallari about a year ago). "She's threatened to walk away," a source told Star magazine. "She feels as if The Hills was created around her and that she made it what it is today. She hated how she was depicted on Laguna Beach." However, Cavallari’s said to be dating What I Like About You hottie Nick Zano, so really, why worry?

Prank Girl

Blake Lively, star of the fab new teen drama Gossip Girl, isn’t too blue about the writer’s strike as it just leaves more time to shop in NYC. “I love shopping in SoHo, really anywhere in the city that has the old cobblestone and tree-lined streets — it’s magical to actually film a show in New York City and not on a soundstage,” she told the New York Daily News’ Ben Widdicombe. In addition to burning plastic, Lively claims she’s big on the pranks. “I’m the practical joker on the Gossip Girl set,” she said. “I love pranking people. April Fools’ Day will be amazing this year — everyone should watch out. The cast always falls so easily for my pranks because they’re all too sweet, nice and unassuming. We have a lot of fun!” Can’t wait to hear what trouble she gets up to!

Rupert rips into celebs

Rupert Everett want on a rant slamming celebs left right and centre. In the path of his tidal wave tongue-lashing were Robert De Niro, Robert Redford, Diane Keaton, Woody Allen and Al Pacino, who he said were "all just tragic parodies of themselves." Meow. He then went on to attack Pacino who he seems to think is now a forgazy (forget about it). "Al Pacino looks like a mad old freak now. I say give it a rest, or go and do some serious stuff," Everett was quoted by BreakingNews.ie as saying. George Clooney was the next victim: "Clooney thinks that, provided he does films, which are politically committed, he's allowed to do Ocean's 11, 12 and 13," he said. "But the Ocean's movies are a cancer to world culture. They're destroying us. He's not the brightest spark on the boulevard. He'll be President one day. Mark my words, if he's straight, he'll be President." What spurred this attack? Could it be jealousy? According to the movie info goldmine imdb (NB: if you ever have a movie related argument, it can prob be settled by looking it up on imdb.com) Everett hasn’t a single film in development, while Pacino has four coming up and Clooney has 14.

Ander-nother one bites the dust?

It seems like Pamela Anderson is starting to compete with Elizabeth Taylor who has countless marriages and divorces under her belt. The Baywatch babe’s third marriage wasn’t a charm as reports indicate that she filed for divorce from Rick Salomon. CelebTV.com obtained court documents that say Anderson filed on Dec 14th (just two months and one week after they got hitched), citing irreconcilable differences. So now Pam’s list of exes includes Tommy Lee, Kid Rock and the guy who starred in the Paris Hilton sex tape. Salomon also has a trio of exes, as Pammie came after 90210’s Shannen Doherty and Elizabeth Daily (the voice of Tommy Pickles in Rugrats).
Update: Anderson wrote a simple one sentenced entry to her blog: “we’re working things out…” Wonder what that means???

Mischa no mind nudity

Mischa Barton claims she has no problem with nudity. It’s just something that doesn’t pop up in her scripts that often. "I don't mind nudity. I just don't do it that often," the actress told Maxim magazine, where she appears on the cover in lacy black lingerie. "It depends on the film and if I trust the director and if the context is emotional or just sexual." Barton’s got a bunch of movies in production, but there’s no news about the nudity level in any of them. One, which prob won’t show her in the buff – though probably in seriously skimpy outfits – is Supergirl, which is a part that's only rumoured. "It would be pretty awesome," she said. "But everybody in Hollywood goes up for those films. I haven't been offered anything."

Major monkey mojo in Walk Hard

It seems John C Reilly signed on to Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story for the chance to get his vocals on along with his mojo. “I was thinking about Hamlet, which is a great story but it’s got no music,” Reilly, who’s been nominated for a Golden Globe for his performance, told Parade magazine. “I really wanted to sing and play the guitar. And I get to run around in a sumo diaper and scream like a dinosaur from the top of a building. That doesn’t happen to me every day. Then there were the loves scenes.” Reilly elaborated: “There was so much sex I think they had to save some of it for the DVD. It was insane. In one 24-hour period, I made out with Cheryl Tiegs, Cheryl Ladd, two Playboy playmates and a chimpanzee.” Continuing about his primate mate, Reilly said: “I have a scene where I kiss him. We really bonded, and in the first take, I just kind of treat him like my only friend. But the director, Judd Apatow, said, ‘Maybe you should be mean to him.’ So we did another take where I lose it and yell at him. I thought, ‘He’s just a chimp, he won’t know the difference.’ And he got this shocked, hurt look on his face. So I had to give him a big hug and let him know I was just acting. By the way, he now has a bit part in Speed Racer. He’s got a big career ahead of him.”

Twinkeltoes Travolta

John Travolta’s been known to shake his booty. He disco-ed in Saturday Night Fever, hand-jived in Grease, twisted in Pulp Fiction and got his groove on in drag in Hairspray. So when Parade magazine asked him to name his fave partner to spin around the dance floor, he said: “Well, of course, Uma Thurman who was so great with me in our scene in Pulp Fiction." But, of course, the actor has some fave off-screen partners too. “My wife Kelly [Preston] is fabulous,” he said. “Princess Diana was a nice dancer because she had confidence. In fact, when we danced together she started to lead and I looked her in eye and went: ‘No, you have to let me lead.’ So I grabbed her around the waist and we were off to the races.” Wonder what Sir Sean Connery thinks of being excluded from the list since the two of them once shook their booties together. Travolta told the Daily Record about it: “I was asked to dance by Sean Connery. We were at a party for Frank Sinatra and we were on our way out, my wife and I were leaving. And he said, ‘John, where you going?’ And I said, ‘I’ve got to go home, I’m filming tomorrow.’ And he said, ‘Before you dance with me?’ And I said, ‘Alright.’ Who’s going to turn down Bond? So we ended up dancing together. The whole party stopped… I just couldn’t believe I was dancing with 007. It was a good feeling, dancing with a big icon like that was awesome.” Now that woulda been quite a sight!

Will Smith’s paperless loo

Stars are trying to do their part in today’s eco-friendly age, but Will Smith may have taken things to a whole new level. The I Am Legend star has supposedly invested in a commode sans toilet paper. As Scooby Doo would say, Aruh? "It's a gift from heaven, believe me,” Smith was quoted by the UK’s Sun as saying. “People think it's all about suction and that they're going to have their insides removed by this marvel of modern engineering – but it doesn't suck, it blows. Not everyone can handle this thing emotionally, so I've made sure I also have a few normal toilets in my house." Emotionally? I don’t think I want my trips to the loo being emotional in any way.

Shirley MacLaine concerned about fame-aholics

Drugs and alcohol have been common addictions for young celebs, but Shirley MacLaine recently discussed another, equally common but lesser publicized, addiction: fame. "I don't know what's going on, maybe lack of parenting skills and no boundaries. I think the addiction to fame is a disease. Some of these girls are addicted to having their picture in magazines," the actress was quoted by BreakingNews.ie as saying. “Once People magazine was published, I knew it would become a tabloid nation… Some of the most prominent girls call [the paparazzi] and say: 'I am going to be in Starbucks. Meet me there and I am going to act like I don’t want you there'. They don’t realize how serious the addiction to fame is. That’s a big deal. That didn’t happen when I was young. As far as the doping and booze is concerned, it’s way out of control now. It wasn’t like that when I was younger. I don’t know if it is the chicken or the egg, but they are acting as models for what Andy Warhol called 'famous for 15 minutes'. It is horrifying to watch - some have talent, some don't, some are famous for being famous.” Perhaps there should be a Fame-aholics Anonymous set up with 12 steps of it’s own. Step one: get over yourself!

Beckhams booze it up

The Beckhams are boogying down likes it’s 199somethin’. Both David and Victoria Beckham have supposedly been boozing like before they had babies, and loving every minute of it. “We are having the time of our lives,” Posh told the UK’s Sun. “It hasn’t been like this for years — since before our first son, Brooklyn, was born. We’ve had two nights out on the trot, which have been really messy, and we are loving it. We have been lying in every day watching films as we haven’t got the kids. We are behaving like rock stars — late-night drinking on tour.” Bravo Beckhams! Cheers!

Is Simpson gonna strip?

Jessica Simpson is supposedly looking to be seen as a serious actress. So what does she think will catapult her to serious thespian star status? Nudity! In a story that seems so unSimpson-esque (Daisy Duke short shorts being as naked as she’s ever gotten), the singer-turned-actress is supposedly considering stripping for the screen. "Jessica is in the running for a role that, if she gets it, will put her right on the map in terms of acting,” a source was quoted by the UK’s Sun as saying. "The only hitch is that the script requires a number of quite graphic scenes including a full-frontal nude scene. Jessica is so desperate to land the role and get the industry's respect that she's ready to go against her better judgement, and her family, by agreeing to bare all." However, the Sun made two very good points. Firstly, it didn’t save Saved by the Bell’s Elizabeth Berkley acting career when she stripped in Showgirls. Secondly, Jessica’s religious father/manager Joe was quoted as saying: "The last script that came to us was for Jessica to be a porn star. We were promised we would win an Oscar with that. I told them, 'I think we'll just buy a statue of a little man and keep our clothes on.'"

Naomi in another phone scandal

There’s a new story about the phone-throwing catwalk queen, Naomi Campbell, but don’t worry, this time no one was physically injured. The supermodel’s BlackBerry was supposedly stolen while she watched the Led Zeppelin comeback concert. Campbell was supposedly fuming, but not just cause she lost the phone itself; she was also angry because of the secrets that lay buried within her PDA. "She's got a secret new love and is desperately trying to keep the whole thing quiet," a source told the UK's Mirror. "This is the last thing she wants as she's determined to keep his identity under wraps… As soon as she realized her stuff was missing she started screaming and shouting." Seriously though, perhaps this theft was merely a precautionary act to protect people from her fiery temper and penchant for flinging phones.

Butler’s striptease sends Swank to the hospital

Who knew a striptease could lead to a trip to the emergency room? That’s what happened with Gerard Butler and Hilary Swank on the set of their upcoming romcom, PS I Love You (based on a wonderfully sweet book by Cecelia Ahern). And I know what you’re thinking, but no, Swank was not sent to the burn unit because Butler’s scorching hot. Instead, it was just a bad cut. Apparently Butler’s suspender snapped and nicked Swank in the face. "It's crazy," Swank told Parade magazine. "I did that boxing movie Million Dollar Baby with Clint Eastwood and came out virtually unscathed. I'm in a romantic comedy and I'm so badly cut I have to be rushed to the hospital to get a bunch of stitches." Butler added: "I was busting my chops, making a fool of myself doing the striptease… I was thinking, 'OK, I deserve a bit of credit for this.' But, in the end, all I had was the knowledge that I'd just given Hilary Swank a scar and the whole production was shut down for five days. So I'll probably never strip again." No Butler! Please don’t let one little mishap ruin future fun.

The Hills or Love Connection?

The “realness” of “reality” shows have often been questioned, and now here’s another reason to question the reality show, The Hills. Producers from the MTV series supposedly make like the matchmakers on Lovespring International and tried to find some French specimens they could hook the show’s star, Lauren Conrad, up with while she was in Paris working with Whitney for Teen Vogue. A source told the New York Post’s Page Six that producers were "frantically calling publicists to see if anyone knew any guys to set the girls up with in Paris. If they had a love affair there, then it would look better." Well, whatever they did reportedly worked as LC was rumoured to have hooked up with a musician from the band Rock & Roll (who are becoming known for their track Loser, Boozer, Jacuzzi User). "Lauren was filmed riding off with the guitar player, Matthias, on the back of his bike," the source said. "They hooked up." Check out Rock and Rolls’ MySpace to find out more about the band because, according to their site, “They have the sound, they have the attitude, and they certainly have the name,” plus they’re going to be in Roberto Cavalli’s Spring Summer 2008 campaign.

Britney Spears attempting to act virginal?

Along the same laughable lines of rumours that Paris Hilton was offered the role of Mother Teresa, Britney Spears has supposedly been asked to portray the Virgin Mary. "I had to convince my partners because they were like, 'Oh, no. Britney?,'" French producer Philippe Rebboah told Us Weekly. "But I thought it was brilliant. It's a bit ironic that she would play the Virgin Mary, no?" Apparently the film will be a satirical story. The purported plotline that was revealed is as follows: a pregnant 19-year-old named Mary, who doesn’t know who knocked her up, goes into labour on Christmas Eve in Bethlehem, Maryland, while rumours run rampant that her babe may be Jesus’ second coming. I’ve seen the Toxic singer’s film Crossroads and if that was any example, she def doesn’t have enough acting ability to pull off playing a virgin.

Is Pam taking her fake boobs to reality telly?

Just what the boob tube needs: more boobs. The booberific Baywatch babe, Pamela Anderson, and her slightly sleazy husband, Rick Salomon, are rumoured to be devising their own reality show. "Think Nick and Jessica's show [MTV's Newlyweds], but with a lot more sex and a crazier family life,” a source told Us Weekly. “These two don’t have any boundaries, which is perfect for reality stars.” Hmmm, considering Salomon rose to fame for starring in the shoddily shot home sex vid 1 Night in Paris with Miss Hilton, it makes me wonder if this show could become reality TV porn.

McDeprecating McDreamy

Patrick Dempsey needs to accept the fact that people think he’s hot and get over it already. He wasn’t nicknamed McDreamy on Grey’s Anatomy because he spends his time daydreaming: he’s hot (though not as hot as McSteamy)! However, even after being cast as a Prince Charming type in Enchanted, Dempsey still doesn’t seem to understand his sex symbol status. "I always find it funny when people say I am handsome or I am perceived in that way. It makes me wonder whom they are talking to, it's interesting,” Dempsey was quoted by BreakingNews.ie as saying. "There are a lot of men out there considered as handsome men: George Clooney is good looking; he is the classical handsome movie star. I am just average looking. But it's fun and it is certainly nice to have the attention. I was known for being geeky and awkward as a kid. This projection of being sexy or handsome is funny to me; I certainly don't see myself that way." But there’s a diff between Demps and Clooney: five years and the fact that, unlike Dempsey, Clooney’s more salt than pepper these days.

Hilton to the rescue on an injured Oompa Loompa

Paris Hilton purportedly paused her partying to help an injured Oompa Loompa. The celebutard supposedly saw Robin Sherwood (who was dressed to entertain as an Oompa Loompa at a party) with a sliced open leg and ran to his rescue. "Paris screamed for help and jumped up to move everyone away from him," a source told the New York Daily News’ Ben Widdicombe. "She held Robin's hand and said the sweetest things to keep him calm. She stayed with him until he was safely in the ambulance on his way to the hospital." Aw, first she had sympathy for the supposed drunken elephants in India, now it’s Oompa Loompas. This celebrity’s compassion knows no end (ok, so she denied the intoxicated elephant story, but I still find it funny regardless).

PETA takes on “Trollsen Twins”

The furrified twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are on PETA’s naughty list this holiday season, but instead of a lump of coal in their stockings their getting their very own smear campaign. According to a press release, peta2 is launching what they’re calling the Trollsen Twins campaign that consists of an unflattering photo of the twins (who have been nicknamed Hairy-Kate and Trashley) with the slug “Fur is Worn by Beautiful Animals and Ugly People” scribbled across the lower part. The ad will be unveiled near the Olsen’s Walk of Fame star on Hollywood Boulevard. But wait, there’s more, peta2 is also launching a site dedicated to the doppelgängers, which will have interactive games (who needs to dress up a Barbie when, in the game Fatal Fashion, you can dress people up in furs with all the blood and gore that goes with them) and fun footage (Full House of Horrors will show old clips from their “You got it dude” days with snippets of animal slaughters dispersed throughout… sounds like good wholesome family viewing).

Stop the presses! Janice Dickinson said something smart

Janice Dickinson may be loud and obnoxious and sometimes downright mean, but the woman had a point when she talked about the unrealistic images models, or more specifically the fashion industry, are feeding to young girls. “I can only speak from my own personal experience, being behind the camera and in front of it, but every magazine cover you see is completely airbrushed,” the superfluous (former) supermodel told OK! magazine. “We've been giving young girls and boys a sense of falseness. The lighting is made to fool the public — everything is pinned. I've been fooling the public for years, and I'm really good at it.”

Rhys Ifans on mosquito-like media

Rhys Ifans has been in the biz for a while, but the media attention he attracts has expanded exponentially since he started seeing Sienna Miller. The Welsh actor, who appeared in his underwear in Hugh Grant’s Notting Hill, told the UK’s Observer how he feels about the prying paparazzi. “Well, when you're being pursued like that, it's just a fucking great pain in the arse,” he said. “But you know, that's all it is, a giant pain in the arse. It's like having wasps in your crash helmet. You just have to open the visor and spit them out. That's it, really… It's a part of western culture right now, and not a very healthy part, whatever way you look at it. But you know what? There's a war on. And there's kids getting shot on the streets. I mean, who the hell cares about me? It's just all wrong somehow.” But that’s all the bitching we heard from this boy who also counts his blessings: “I'm not going to sit here and moan about my life, because mostly it's great. Who cares about a few mosquitos with cameras? It's pond life, man. I mean, it's not as big a pain as somebody thumping you in the bollocks with a lump hammer over and over.” As for feeding the buzzing shutterbugs, this actor will have none of that. When asked about the rumour of him tying the knot with Miller he replied: “Yeah, and they found Elvis on the moon, mate… I came here to talk about my work. My personal life is invented for me, so why bother? Keep the fuckers guessing, that's what I say.” I like the way you think, Rhys!

Gossip Gal

The antics of some of the characters on Gossip Girl may be reminiscent of some real-life trashtastic celebutantes, but the show’s star, Blake Lively, claims she’s not going to fall down that same rabbit hole. "I think that I strive to do the right thing and not fall into the norm [like] so many young people in Hollywood who... get caught up in some of the nonsense," the actress told the Associated Press. "I really try to steer clear of that." Hopefully that won’t change as her face becomes more and more recognizable. "One day these, like, thuggish guys were, like, coming out, rolling out of their Escalade, and they go – they're like, 'Man, that's Gossip Girl!,'" Lively recalled. "And they were, like, freaking out. It was so strange how many people would just get giddy over it. And it's people that you would not expect at all." Stay strong, Serena!

THAT was the BIG news on The Hills???

After the huge hype about the “big” news that Hills’ star Lauren Conrad was going to break on The Hills: Finale After Party, I’m left feeling both happy and disappointed. MTV Canada’s Dan and Jessi flew all the way to Hollywood for the show’s “finale” just to find out it wasn’t the “finale.” Yup, that was LC’s “big” news. The season’s not over yet, and there’ll be more episodes including some of LC and Whitney’s trip to Paris. Come on! I was totally hoping for something about Brody or Heidi and Spencer and neither of those subjects was the big news (nor did they receive solid answers from any of the cast members on the red carpet or on the after show – however, I didn’t catch the web part where more info could have been revealed). While the big news was uber frustrating, I’m totally stoked to see la ville de Paris. Bisou bisou!

No navel nudity for Carrie Underwood

Separating herself from her scantily clad peers, Carrie Underwood claims she’s saying no to showing her navel. "I definitely don't do stomach, because nobody wants to see that," the former American Idol champ told Glamour magazine, Access Hollywood reported. "I'd be pulling at my clothes all night. That's not me. And cleavage can be done in a tasteful manner – you can be intelligent, sexy and not have boobs everywhere." Guess that means Dolly Parton ain’t this country crooner’s style icon.

Alba shuns showing skin

Jessica Alba claims that despite the fact that she plays racy roles she’s actually quite conservative. "Other than Sin City, I don't really wear skimpy outfits in my movies. People know that I'm a prude. Word has gotten around," the actress was quoted as saying by BreakingNews.ie. But wait, wasn’t that her in a skimpy bikini in the 2005 thriller Into the Blue? She may have forgotten that fleshy flick, but she did confess to baring her back in her new movie Awake. "That's it,” she insisted. “Above the waist, back. And nobody was in front of me but a wall."

Nicole Kidman’s sheer luck

Nicole Kidman was saved from a potentially embarrassing photo op that would have left her red faced on the red carpet. The actress accidentally wore a transparent dress, which woulda shown everything in the sunlight, but lucky for her she’s a lady who loves lingerie. "That was terrible. I got out of the car and it was sunny, so I was like, 'Oh my gosh,' and kept asking my husband [Keith Urban], 'Is my dress see-through?' And he went: 'Yep.' So I was like: 'Give me my coat!,'" she told Britain's Heart FM radio station, BreakingNews.ie reported. "I didn't realize [the photographers] had got me. But I do wear lingerie, so we weren't in dire straits."

Lil Wayne, big ego

Some celeb egos are so inflated they run the risk of floating away like an air balloon (propelled by all the hot air they blow out of their asses). Lil Wayne, a 25-year-old who rapped “Back That Azz Up,” had the audacity to compare himself to men who were involved in the Civil Rights movement. XXL magazine asked him how he felt about critics' complaints that his music is over saturating the market (ie, a nice way of saying his music is annoyingly overplayed). "Darling, I don't care what nobody think,” he eloquently replied. “Talk to me like you talk to Martin Luther King or Malcolm X. You're not going to ask him about what he think about what somebody said about him. You... ask him about his greatness, and his greatness only." Right, because King’s words: “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal,’” are totally on par with what Lil Wayne sings: “Now now now now now after you back it up, then stop then wha-wha-what, drop drop it like its hot.” That comparison is not only deluded, but it insults X and King.

Beckham snoozes sans clothes

Victoria Beckham recently revealed something that’s sure to get hearts racing: "I sleep naked,” Posh told Elle magazine. “I'm going to be naked if I'm getting in bed with [my husband, David Beckham] every night." No kidding, I don’t think I’d ever want clothes on around him (same goes for him too). But that’s not all she’s confessing, she also admitted that she’s a jack-of-all-trades, and, according to her, she’s master of none. "It became very obvious from the start [of my career] that I was never going to be the best singer or the best dancer or the best actress," she said. "I was never a 'natural.' You know, I've never been that good at anything, to be completely honest… I'm no Mariah Carey, but I can sing." If she says so. And here’s what else she says: "I'm so camp!” (duh, darling). “I'm such a gay man trying to get out. I don't give a [bleep] what anybody thinks!"

La-Lohan and La-Ledger?

We haven’t heard much from our fave flame-haired wild child, but it looks like Lindsay Lohan’s getting back in the Hollywood saddle by saddling a Hollywood stud. Apparently she ditched the dude she found in rehab and has since been seen locking lips with Heath Ledger. "Lindsay and Heath hit it off straight away,” a source told Aussie mag NW. “When she left the club she started texting him straight away and they hooked up a few times while she was still in New York. They were meeting late at night for sex. It was purely physical." Why would such a sexy star from Down Under want to get down and under her?

Dead babies and slime, sounds like one heck of a Christmastime

Some people opt for tinsel and those colourful ornament balls that always break when decorating their Christmas trees, others opt for dead babies and slime. Helena Bonham Carter told Playboy her director (and possibly disturbed) beau, Tim Burton, doesn’t go for conventional Christmas decorations and prefers a merrier macabre approach. "He decorates it with dead babies and slime balls and things," the actress told Playboy magazine. "It looks lovely and glittery from afar, and then as you get closer, you realize it's rather gory." Burton’s morbid décor is shrugged off by Bonham Carter who seems to liken her partner to Peter Pan. "We're not that dark,” she insists. “What I love about Tim is that he retains a certain innocence and a childlike quality. He sort of forgot to grow up. I think I've definitely forgotten to grow up, which is great." Except, any child who decorated their tree with dead babies would prob be spending most of his time hopped up on Ritalin and on a pysch couch rather than behind a camera.

Bodacious Baywatch babe scores sexiest honour

Canada’s own DD darling, Pamela Anderson, has been named TV’s Sexiest Woman Ever by AOL. The Baywatch babe topped the list because AOL thinks she’s a “knockout blonde who wears a bathing suit and bounces around as she saves lives” and brings “bodacious to a new level.” Other foxy females who made the list were Wonder Woman Lynda Carter cause “she could kick bad-guy butt in her patriotic one-piece and high-heeled boots,” and Katherine Heigl of Grey’s Anatomy. AOL said Hegil’s character, Izzie “Stevens, may be unlucky in love, but this knockout beauty sexes up even regulation scrubs.”

Knock out over a knock up

As if Anjelica Huston couldn’t get any cooler, Jack Nicholson revealed that the actress beat him up after she heard he knocked up Rebecca Broussard (a pseudo starlet who appeared as a Hooker in Mars Attacks!) back in 1989. "Anjelica's first response was, 'You have to support this woman,'" the lothario told Parade magazine. "Her second response was to come down to my job and beat the hell out of me. She really beat me up, I tell you. Anjelica can punch!" Hell ya Huston, you go girl!

Cursing Keira

She may look sweet and dainty, but Keira Knightley can apparently curse up a storm and she says she gets it from her mother’s side. "It is my mom's fault because she swears like a trooper, so I must have caught it from her," the actress with the trucker’s mouth told Parade magazine. "Oh, dear. It's nothing to be proud of. I'm trying to fix it. My dad often gives me a look. I get the look, which means you've said far too many expletives in one sentence." She should save the sailor speech for a remake of Scarface where she can put her vocab to good use.

McConaughey’s unsmooth dance moves

Don’t let the smooth Southern drawl fool you into thinking this cowboy’s got smooth moves stashed in his dancing boots (though I’m sure he’s good at knocking boots, mind you). Apparently Matthew McConaughey ain’t got no game when it comes to bustin’ a move on the dance floor. A witness to the tragedy that is McConaughey’s lack of dancing ability, recounted the crime scene to OK! magazine: "You know how it's really embarrassing when your dad dances like an idiot at your wedding? Well Matthew's dance moves make your dad's dancing look like Justin Timberlake!," The witness went on to reveal that the actor was doing a "slo-mo tango-waltz-flamenco" but looked "a lot like an angry chimp leaping with his arms in the air."

Heigl: getting hitched is a gamble

Some could compare tying the knot with playing Russian roulette, Katherine Heigl picks craps, claiming getting married is a gamble. "I think it's a crapshoot," the Grey's Anatomy star, who’s prepping to walk down the aisle with musician Josh Kelley, told Vanity Fair. "The odds are really bad, especially in this town... But I have a lot of faith in Josh, and I wanted to have that one day when I stand in front of my friends and my family and honour him and how important he is in my life." Another important person in her life is Grey’s costar and best bud TR Knight who’s reportedly her bridesman. "I'm standing up there and all," Knight told Us magazine. "So I have to go and get the tux." Phew, at least he’s not wearing a hideous bridesmaid dress.

John C Reilly’s rockin’ rear

You’ve seen him in Boogie Nights, Chicago, Talladega Nights and many other movies, but did you ever know that John C Reilly has a phenomenal fanny? According to Jenna Fischer, who costars with the stud in the upcoming comedy Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, he does. "John has a great butt," Fischer told Us magazine. "That's his butt in the movie. I want the world to know that John C Reilly has a mighty fine tush." And that’s not all, he’s got an arsenal of animal noises to let loose in the boudoir. "During that first seduction scene, John played around with all these sexy animal noises,” Fischer revealed while discussing the film’s sex scenes. “First he growled, and I reacted by saying ‘Oh, My Tiger!’ Then he pretended to be a horse; ‘Oh, my Stallion!’ Then he quacked and I said, ‘Oh! My... Duck!’ But that was left on the cutting room floor." Too bad, coulda quacked up some laughs.

Bonham's boobs

Some may go see the upcoming film Sweeney Todd for the quirky macabre musical story, others for the chance to stare at Johnny Depp for two hours, and others may be going to get carte blanche to oogle Helena Bonham Carter’s cleavage for two hours… this time with an excuse. The actress was purportedly pregnant during part of the filming, and since the movie was shot out of sequence, her boobs seemingly expand and contract. "Anyone who... pays attention to my breast size will see there's no continuity," she told Playboy magazine, the New York Post’s Page Six reported. "I start off with huge breasts and then I walk upstairs and suddenly I've got tangerines again. It's melons to tangerines." As if people needed an excuse to stare at her breasts.

Conceited Céline

Céline Dion is one of the world’s biggest stars (I’m not talking size wise, clearly, the girl turns sideways and she disappears); she’s right up there with Barbra Streisand and… um…. [fill in the name of any diva here]. It appears this Canadian songbird thinks the world will eagerly listen if she name drops. When talking to Parade magazine about her son’s home schooling the chest-pounding singer said: “We have a wonderful teacher. Her name is Kerri. There! Now she will be the world’s most-famous teacher.” Right, on my list of famous teachers I’ll stick her right up there with Timothy Leary, Alfred Kinsey and Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society.

Daydreamable McDreamy

Ever catch yourself daydreaming of the palatable Patrick Dempsey as McDreamy on Grey’s Anatomy (though I must confess I’m a McSteamy fan, 100%)? Not to worry, you’re not alone, and the doctor doesn’t mcmind being a mcfantasy. "Grey's Anatomy is a major show and my character is a fantasy figure for lots of ladies who tune in," the actor was quoted by Showbiz Spy as saying. "I don't mind though, I think it's great, you can't complain about being dubbed 'Dr McDreamy.'" Ah, they sex up so fast, it feels like just yesterday he was the geeky guy in Can’t Buy Me Love.

Wow, Winona, wow

Winona Ryder is one weird chick. As if shoplifting while you’re a rich actress wasn’t odd enough, now she’s screwing a ventriloquist’s dummy in her upcoming film, The Ten. "You know, it's not a script that I think a lot of agents would offer, and those are always the scripts that I always want. I tend to be drawn to things that some agents might try and dissuade me from doing,” the actress was quoted by the UK’s Sun as saying. No shit. What agent would want their client banging a Howdy Doody with a woody? But don’t think a movie with a woman taking a tumble between the sheets with a toothpick is without its morals. "The movie is obviously satirical and dirty, but it's not mean. It actually does teach the Ten Commandments... just in a very ridiculous, funny way," clarified Ryder. The Ten, which has been making the rounds on the festival circuit (hitting the Cleveland and Nantucket festivals along with Sundance and Cannes), doesn’t have a release date yet, but it does have a killer cast, which includes Jessica Alba, Adam Brody, Rob Corddry, Paul Rudd and Liev Schreiber.

Jennifer Love Who?

Jennifer Love Hewitt got a rock on her finger, and now she’s skyrocketing back into the headlines. Known primarily for playing the sniveling Sarah on Party of Five, Hewitt since bounced from bad movie to bad movie before landing back on the small screen in Ghost Whisperer (which is really just an example of how unfair the world is. How can this show still be on after two years, while quality programming like My So-Called Life was cancelled after only one??? Oooh, Jordan Catalano, be still my heart!). So what’s the skinny star doing now that’s she’s back in the spotlight? She’s tackling weight issues. "I've sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women's bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I'm not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image," the actress blogged on her website. "A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful. What I should be doing is celebrating some of the best days of my life and my engagement to the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with photographers taking invasive pictures from bad angles. I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family. And like all women out there should, I love my body." She signed off with a shout out: "To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini - put it on and stay strong."
Hmmm, I agree with the sentiments, but I think there’d be more meat to the story if she wasn’t a stick and the issue hadn’t already been pulverized like some tasty tenderized steak to the point where one wonders whether celebs really care or it’s just trendy to talk about.

Red-light Reid

Tara Reid is purportedly pimping herself out to… uh… pimps? According to the UK’s Sun, the trashtastic celeb is flying Down Under to host a Hookers Ball. Her duties include dressing for a romp in the red light district (shouldn’t be too hard for her to find in her wardrobe) and judging a wet t-shirt contest (also shouldn’t be too hard for her). "It's a night like your 'pimps and prostitutes' or sleaze balls, and it's just a night of less is best,” hospitality manager Guy Dunne said. "We thought Tara Reid would be a great choice. It’s a very naughty night and an opportunity to put your inhibitions down. I believe Tara Reid and her people were very enthusiastic to come here." Wow, sounds like a far stretch for the original Nipplegate party animal, I wonder if her “acting” abilities are up to snuff.
The ad, posted on news.ninemsn.com.au, read: “Darwins naughtiest night of the year is nigh… it’s time to come out of the closet & onto the dance floor… Celebrity Guests, Best Dressed. Bondage Beds, Fantasy, Latex, Pornstars, Erotic Dancers, The Booty Bar, R Rated Very Raunchy Event!” Under that it read: “Hollywood A Lister & Star of Amercian Pie” Can you guess what’s wrong with the last sentence? Here’s a clue, it’s not the incorrect spelling of our southern neighbours. (I think her star status is closer to her cup size than the beginning of the alphabet).

Renée’s rampant Clooney crush

Renée Zellweger can’t seem to say enough good things about her good buddy George Clooney. "George is so handsome,” the actress with the perpetual squint was quoted by Celebrity News Service as saying. “Even more so when he's playing football with a bunch of 30-year-olds and out-running them on the pitch!” Bet you liked watching him get all hot and sweaty, eh Renée. “He's not just gorgeous though, he's also my confidant. He tells me what he thinks, and I want to know because I have so much respect for him." Three words Zellweger: get over him!

Federline father of the year?

It’s Federslime time! Possibly the freakiest news of the week (topping the possibility of his trainwreck of an exwife being preggers) is that Kevin Federline has made Details magazine’s Good Fathers list and scored the cover. How much did his custody lawyers have to pay for that plug? K-Fed shared the title with Larry Birkhead, the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter. How, you ask? "By being more visible presences in their children's lives than many Hollywood A-listers, they emerged as unlikely candidates for Dad of Year," the mag reads. Hmmmm, making the headlines with your children makes you a positive presence?

Efron to age into former Friend?

Are you curious about what High School Musical teen heartthrob Zac Efron will look like in a couple decades? Apparently movie bosses think it’ll be something like Matthew Perry. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the Canadian funnyman (well, some people found Chandler Bing funny) has been cast as a grown up version of Efron’s character in the upcoming flick Seventeen, a film which sounds like a mix between Big and Freaky Friday.

Til death… when we still do not part

So it seems the word ‘part’ from the phrase “til death do you part” didn’t jive with Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne who apparently can’t live without one another and have supposedly made a suicide pact. "Whatever it was, where you know you're going to die, we would want to choose the time where we want to leave,” Sharon was quoted by BreakingNews.ie as saying. "I would go with my old man, and he would come with me.” Sounds sorta selfish, I wouldn’t want to be one of their three kids reading that report. But, it gets even weirder. “[Fortunately],” Sharon continued, “my husband is better than ever health-wise." Really? Ozzy? The drugged out rocker who can barely muster a mumble? He’s in better health? Now that’s scary!

A painful fairy-toenail

Call me old fashioned, but I don’t think princesses should be talking about toenails. It just doesn’t jive with my idea of happily ever after. However, Amy Adams, who plays Princess Giselle in Disney’s Enchanted (which, incidentally, topped box offices on both sides of the border on its opening weekend), must have missed that memo. Adams recently described how her onscreen Prince McCharming (Patrick Dempsey) accidentally tore off some of her toenails when the two took to the dance floor for a scene in the film. But, being a lady, Adams bared the brunt of the blame. "Patrick did take off two of my toenails but it was my fault because I was a trained dancer and so I thought I knew what I was doing,” the actress was quoted by the World Entertainment News Network as saying. “I was not a good partner and I had a hard time surrendering to Patrick's lead. He moved and I didn't, and I refused to let him lead, so I just stood my ground and he just tore them off. So I ended up with the loss of some toenails and sore feet but that was the extent of my injuries."

Baa baa colourful sheep...

Madge-y had a little lamb (and another lamb and another lamb) whose fleece was not white as snow. Now baaaa-d girl Madonna’s being slapped on the wrist by animal activists who are upset she dyed her sheep different colours for a Vogue photoshoot, music-news.com reports. Ewe! For PETA’s sake, who would wanna eat a green sheep?

Heath Ledger personifies Pepé Le Pew

You know you smell bad when New York subway passengers complain about your stench. Riders reportedly got a whiff of Heath Ledger when he was commuting with his daughter Matilda (poor child). "[Ledger] was pushing past the crowds on a staircase, and I got quite a whiff. He smelled pretty unwashed!," a source was quoted by Celebrity News Service as saying. Another told OK! magazine that the actor’s "jacket has clearly never seen the inside of a washing machine. He seemed to be going for the hobo-chic look!" Hobo? Ho no! Lather up Ledger, and leave the smell at home!